Don't ask why, but I had the pleasure of going to a teenage volleyball tournament earlier today. You would not believe how testosteroney it gets in those oven-gyms; I thought I would grow a hairy ball sack any minute from the XXY hormones steaming from the players' bodies. Though there were a few hoe-looking girls in there, but they were obscured by the giant beasts I refer to as "Helgas." With that in mind I've composed a list of rules for volleyball players. Beware, the following material may be considered offensive to anyone offended by what the list comprises. (Yes I am aware of my redundancy, but how else am I going to get my point across?)
1. If you are in excess of 10% body fat, your shorts must cover your ass completely. No "if's", "and's", or "BUTT's"! No one wants to see anymore cellulite than necessary, so keep your ham-stuffed rear end inside your three-sizes-too-small spandex shorts.
2. On the issue of ass, don't slap it. It just makes you seem gayer than you already are. It is not fun, it is not sexy (well, not in a volleyball match), nor is it a heterosexual activity for females.
3. Revenge is acceptable on anyone who slaps your ass (just don't get back at them by slapping their ass).
4. Shave your fucking, gorilla/cow legs, you dirty plumber. This goes back to the appearing lezbatronic issue. Make no mistake, I roll with the gays; but as for the teenage girls, high school kids can be mean ass mother fuckers bent on killing your mother, fucking your boyfriend, and face-raping your little brother with a snow shovel. Anyways, find the courage to put a razor to your skin and pull!
5. Don't use a pelvic thrust as a victory cheer. Believe it or not I actually saw this.
Glad I could lecture you on volleyball etiquette,
Lin(d)s / FF
Saturday, June 5, 2010
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